Elements of Desire: License

Today, we’re excited to bring the third of the four Elements of Desire: License. According to sex and intimacy coach Finn Deerhart, creator of the Elements of Desire: At times, we may move into our heads during sex, away from our bodies. In these moments, in order to continue, we depend on fantasies, outside validation, programmed images of sexiness, objectification, and goal oriented sex. Male sexuality is often reduced and over simplified as a biological imperative to spread seed or to “get off.” This explanation does not acknowledge the relational components that are, the foundation, the underlying motivators for sex. The very nature of gay sex is antithetical to the biological model alone, because it is rooted in identity, a social construct. At the same time, as men, we often lack a vocabulary to describe our experiences of ourselves emotionally, sexually, and otherwise. We may lean into routines, our “winning formulas,” compartmentalization, or even blaming our partners for a sen